The quest for 18 is over.
The magic number has been reached by Tiger Woods.
Not quite the 18 of Jack Nicklaus, but Tiger’s finally at 18, the hard way — 14 major championships and four back surgeries — 18 total.
Mission accomplished.
The word came down on Thursday that Eldrick had undergone the knife again, so in a effort to bring more accurate information, we went to the latest Tiger Woods websites:
Tigerhasbacksurgery.com
Tigerrehab.com
Woodswillreturn.com
Stiney’sfakenews.com
And finally: Tigerfeelsgreat.com
Between all those sites, we can say with great confidence that Woods had a fourth back surgery this week and that caught the world by surprise, especially after his mouthpiece, The Great Stiney, gave us indications that Woods would return to play sometime this year. Obviously Stiney’s back feels a lot better than Tiger’s.
Tiger was on public display this past Tuesday. He came out of the Bat Cave on Jupiter Island and had a little presser at the Big Cedar Lodge to announce that he’d be designing a new course there. He hit a couple of short wedge shots, the first went in the water, the second, he claimed he “stuffed it” but that came off of the Stiney’sfakenews.com site.
Woods did feel compelled to fess up to the fact that he had a fourth surgery with this detailed declaration:
“The surgery went well and I’m optimistic this will relieve my back spasms and pain. Getting back to a normal life, playing with my kids, competing in professional golf and living without the pain I’ve been battling for so long.”
Not dissimilar to three previous announcements when the world’s most famous bad back underwent repairs.
This procedure was a fancy one:
Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion.
Dr. Richard Guyer was the man charged with putting Humpty Woods back together again. Goodness knows, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men have tried the three previous times.
This one promises to be different.
You won’t see Woods for six months, which means he’ll miss all four majors for the second year in a row and will celebrate his 42nd birthday by rehabbing.
Woods used to be the world’s best golfer. Now he’s becoming the world’s best rehabber.
If you saw the video of Woods last Tuesday, he looked like a man in pain.
Yet he reported to everyone that his back “was progressing.”
That tidbit evidently came from Stiney’sfakenews.com.
His back wasn’t progressing and he was heading from Missouri to Dallas to get cut on again.
Of course this will be described as “minimally invasive” but there’s nothing minimal about it when you are talking about backs in general and the fragile back of golf’s only 14-time major champion.
So everyone who was waiting for Godot, er, make that Tiger Woods, can take a step back and exhale.
You can send your get well cards over to the restaurant:
Woods Jupiter
129 Soundings Avenue
Jupiter, Fl. 33477
Tiger never goes there even though his name’s on the door. They can put the cards up behind the bar then have one of the bar keeps load ’em up and drive ’em over to the Fortress Of Solitude on nearby Jupiter Island.
That will be Rehab Central for the next six months or so.
In the meantime, you can get progress reports every 60-90 days.
Simply go to:
Stiney’sfakenews.com
6 Comments
jturcot2
Hey Tom….
Did Tiger Woods step on your toes or something, or forget to leave you a tip??
Tom Edrington
Not sure what you’re gettin’ at, just a little humor centered around the amount of false signals that have emanated from the Tiger Woods camp through the years….strange how Tiger reported that his back was “progressing” on Tuesday and he’s getting cut on by Thursday…..Tiger has stepped on a lot of toes and stiffed a lot of hard-working restaurant and valet folks, that’s documented. I don’t work in that industry, never have. I think we hit on a lot of valid points here and I’m pleased that no one else has through of the magic 18 number, he’s finally reached it. Here’s a tip for Tiger and Stiney: The truth will set you free!
jturcot2
Glad you took my comments with a grain of salt. Your writing is interesting and witty. That says a lot… Keep it up and don’t change your style…. and I do acknowledge your take on Woods… But, when a back injury is involved, even if the guy has been insensitive to waiters and all, maybe it just isn’t the right time??? Otherwise…. these guys do deserve comments that do make them aware that they are well paid and fortunate to be at that level… So no worries ???
Tom Edrington
Arnold Palmer laid out the roadmap for conduct by golfers when it comes to the people who turn out in person, spend their money, watch and support the profession. Woods never followed that map, unfortunately. Woods was unkind to a lot of “service” folks long before his back started bothering him.
Scudder Graybeal
Have to agree with the first comment. Tiger must have snubbed the writer somewhere along the way or refused an autograph. Pretty rough column.
Tom Edrington
Nope, wrong on that one, and would NEVER seek an autograph from Woods, why? Not a guy I’d want in my collection. He’s snubbed a lot of people, that’s for sure, including the greatest golf writer that ever lived, Dan Jenkins. Rough? I suppose the truth can be pretty rough when it comes to this guy, starting with the SUV crash into the fire hydrant in front of his house. A lot of his life involved deception and lies so if you want to dub our sarcasm here as rough, then so be it.