Jerry Tarde is the Editor-In-Chief at Golf Digest. He’s covered more majors than Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods and Bobby Jones have won between them. Jerry’s latest is a parody and is simply a masterpiece.
Those of us who were privileged to work beside and know Dan Jenkins, well, Dan was the GOAT (Yeah, Greatest Of All Time) when it came to writing, humor, novels and generally putting things in proper perspective. Dead Solid Perfect is still a must-read for all golfers.
We miss Dan but we can tell you that Jerry just holed a three-wood from 260 yards out for double-eagle with this gem, which appears in the latest online Golf Digest.
Here’s a bit to tease you, then just click on the link to read Jerry’s stunner in its entirety:
Jerry: Hello, Dan. It’s been a while. I’m surprised to see you back.
Dan Jenkins: Good to see you, too, pards. The grass was greener on the other side until this offer from LIV Golf came along.
Jerry: Hold on, Semi-Tough. Are you saying you’re taking an offer to join the Saudi tour?
Dan: Well, actually, my title is Royal and Ancient Twitterer and Crown Prince of Content. They offered me so many zeroes that I said they could call me late for breakfast and I’d take it.
Jerry: I assume you did it for the good of the game—to grow golf in emerging countries, to benefit junior golf, feed the poor.
Dan: Hell, no. I did it for the money. Moo-lah. Capital M. I’ll take it any way but crypto. Got my eye on a cattle ranch outside Fort Worth. Gonna hire Gil Hanse to build me a Pine Valley.
Jerry: Can you tell me how much they’re paying you?
Dan: Let me just say I got Tiger money, all the chicken-fried steak with cream gravy I can eat, and I didn’t have to split it with Steiny.
Me: Are you bothered at all by the human-rights violations of the sponsors?
Dan: I talked it over with my best buds Phil and Deej, and they assured me golf is a force of good around the world, so I should just put my faith in the Commish.
Jerry: You mean Greg Norman? My recollection is that you and Sharky haven’t always seen fish eye to fish eye. You once said he looked like the guy sent out to kill James Bond.
Dan: Oh, he’s a killer, all right. Greg once said if he put his mind to it and studied medicine, he could have been a brain surgeon. LOL, as we say on Twitter. I told him he just wasn’t operating on this cowboy, not on Sundays anyhow.
Jerry: Well, that brings up a good point. The LIV tour plays only 54 holes.
Dan: Ol’ Greg didn’t win the Saturday Grand Slam for nothing. Just couldn’t close the deal on Sundays. His luggage kept flyin’ open.
One of our favorite Jenkins pieces, ever, was his parody entitled: “My (Fake) Interview With Tiger Woods.”
It was a Jenkins masterpiece, didn’t sit well with Woods and The Great Stiney (aka Tiger agent Mark Steinberg).
It was born out of Tiger ducking Jenkins, a major moment of disrespect for the GOAT.
The reason? “There was no upside,” according to Steinberg.
14 Comments
baxter cepeda
It is funny.
And brings up two points:
First Monahan followers are wrong in saying LIv players are contradicting themselves by saying they want to play less but then want to play pga tour events and other tours.
Not all LIv players want to play “less”, some guys clearly want to play as much as possible on as many tours as possible and make as much as possible and don’t want anyone stopping them as much as possible. And are making no bones about it (from what I see).
Then there are some guys who would like to have the opportunity to play a few more events than just LIv and the majors.
And then there are some Liv guys who just want to play LIv and majors.
Now, when players like Reed go play the Asian tour, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want to play more and were not being honest. It simply means they are playing out of necessity to preserve their rankings during this tumultuous transitiony time.
And second this notion that LIv players are not being forthright about money being the main motivator. As with the amount of play, the money factor varies greatly between LIv guys, but all of them are trying to be open imo that money is a huge factor in deciding; as it is with any profession.
I personally believe a guy like Charles Howell when he says some of the other factors played a bigger role in his decision over money.
As far as “growing the game”…this is the most overused term in golf and not just from LIv. LIv people are really copying this catch phrase from many golf organizations which have been using this phrase for years to grow their organization.
What this term really means in golf is growing their own golf tour or golf organization. None of them are against people getting hooked on golf, but everyone’s priority is their business. It’s no different for LIv as it is the Pga tour or the first tee or whatever.
Everyone in golf is watching out for numero uno and everyone is using the “growing the game” phrase to somehow help them achieve their goals.
As annoying as LIv people saying that phrase is, it’s again worth noting many organizations in golf have been doing the same annoying thing even longer.
Tom Edrington
I hear that any day, you should be receiving an offer from LIV to become their “Crown Prince Of Content” seeing as Dan can’ actually fill the role in person.
baxter cepeda
Unlike your boo Monahan, I’ll at least pick up the phone.
I have to add how I truly cannot believe and understand the pga tour needs to be sued by top 100 players to allow them to play the pga tour.
I reiterate the pga tour loses both ways.
If they win these cases what they win is keeping stars off their tour for good. How is that good for the pga tour I will never ever get.
Liv is here to stay and the best way for the pga tour to preserve as much of itself as possible is by allowing the stars to play with them as much as possible.
Perception wise even though a lot of these LIv guys won’t be at a ton of pga tour events, just by these top players still being on the pga tour roster, it perceptively elevates the pga tour roster. We are used to watching a lot of pga tour events where hardly any stars are at, but because those smaller events are part of the tour with all the best players, it still somehow elevates those events in our minds despite us knowing few names are actually there. It’s weird but true.
The pga tour needs to get new leadership, come to its senses, create a system that allows LIv guys to come back, maybe these LIv guys can or cannot win the fed ex cup, but they desperately need to be reinstated and given realistic chances to regain their pga tour cards..again… for the good of the pga tour they need to do this.
Also how dumb was David Loves idea of 150 players somehow boycotting the US Open?
He has off course backtracked since but how wreck less can these ideas in the name of anti competitiveness can these pga tour people get?
To be clear in order to preserve the John Deere Davis is willing to run a conspiracy to damage our national championship.
First of all it’s such a stupid idea even he knows it will never happen. But to even think like this shows how desperate, irrational, and downright stuck in denial so many people are in.
And to think this could have been a cooperation thing bringing these billions into the sport if not for the pga tours greed induced paranoia, it just really is such a shame.
Tom Edrington
I don’t understand what a “boo” is, I don’t know Jay and have nicknamed him The Sheriff Of Nottingham and as long as the Lamest Commissioner In All The Land (aka Greg Norman) is around, well, you get the picture…..stay tuned for Friday’s feature…..
baxter cepeda
Boo is a synonym created randomly by spell check for boy or boi. Or sometimes a lover.
I know you used to be tough on Monahan but lately you got me thinking Monahan hims the cheerleader song when he thinks about you.
Ohh I got my self a cheerleader…
Because you have been very very supportive of his shenanigans lately. Like a cheerleader.
Tom Edrington
Given the Saudis total suppression of women’s rights in The Kingdom, and you being the father of three girls, I find it puzzling that you are one of the 30 percent who iike the LIV, probably the same 30 percent who gives Joe Biden a positive approval rating….I stand with Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus when it comes to the PGA Tour…..the Tour did an incredible job for us golf writers who covered it…..we were free to ask any questions and NO ONE was ever escorted out of the media center by Saudi security thugs.
baxter cepeda
I see the Saudis already put more money into women’s golf than almost anyone. And there are constant talks of the Saudis doing some kind of LIv thing for women, which the lpga Commish said she would entertain the idea.
We already talked about Biden, you saying that makes it seem you are just trolling and aren’t listening.
And I’m not getting into jacks pressers compared to LIv. The two situations are apples and oranges. big difference is those guys didn’t have the entire establishment and media trolling them.
Like you just said Tom the tour has treated a lot of journalists really well for 5o years (it’s still somehow many of the same establishment guys) so they are now returning the favor. This is part of my problem with the journalism side in all this.
Btw I stand with Jack and Tiger and the pga tour also. Those two are literally top 5 lifelong role models for me. And I love the pga tour and want to continue watching it, seeing it succeed, and all that. The big difference between us is I know they can all coexist and thrive.
Tom Edrington
Greg Norman put his foot in his mouth once again when he claimed ARAMCO was the biggest sponsor of the LPGA Tour…..he couldn’t have been more wrong, they sponsor some LET events; CME is the biggest sponsor, gives most money for LPGA Tour purses. I don’t think LIV will “Thrive” not without TV and OWGR
baxter cepeda
The Saudis do not struggle to get their sports investments tv deals. They will get Tv, it’s only a matter of time…Unfortunately I might add. I’m kinda loving this utube stuff.
Owgr is a major part of the lawsuit claiming the powers that be are conspiring to keep LIv down, so we will see what happens there.
Although as I’ve said if the owgr doesn’t reward Liv
Points —especially if it is deemed in order to help their friends—well then it would be a flawed rankings system. This rankings thing is the one and only big issue. And I just cannot for the life of me see LIv not getting points sooner or later. They simply have to. Otherwise golf truly would be in absolute chaos.
Multiple tours is not chaos despite what the powers want us to believe. Refusing to give points to events with dozens of top 100 players playing in the worlds most prosperous golf tour is the real chaos.
Tom Edrington
Dozens of top 100 players? Most are higher than No. 50 and fading rapidly….I prefer to watch the world’s best and if you saw what “Tom” Kim accomplished in four days in Greensboro, well LIV will NEVER have a story like that…..as Sir Nick said on his final broadcast, Kim’s accomplishment was “so very special”…..nothing special like that will happen in the LIV exhibition….no incentive to work hard like young Tom Kim has…
baxter cepeda
So yes dozens in the top 10o.
I did see Tom. I’ve been watching Tom on the Asian tour for a while now. Nothing about what he did after his quad start surprises me.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if this young cat of all people went to LIv. The Asian tour is becoming more significant. So if LIv offers him 150$ million—that’s how good this kid is— I can’t say he will be as loyal as some good ol boy Bulldog or something.
As I’ve already explained there is tons of incentive to play well on LIv. There are only 48 spots per 14 events in that tour. You better bring it.
I have to add, this concept that the more guaranteed money a player makes, the less incentive they have to be great could not be more wrong and flawed and offensive to great athletes.
Think Tiger. Think Michal Jordan. Think Pele. Think Wayne. Think Jerry. Think Brady. Long after These guys were established getting the biggest contracts on and off their sport they continued out working everyone and being the most focused and hungry. Some continue to be.
Player motivation—as with life and happiness— has nothing to do with money.
Tom Kim’s story is a good one. But there has also been some cool stories on LIv to enjoy.
Btw Nick will be missed. Something tells me he is not really done yet. But I can also see nick enjoying the rest of his life chasing trout. Regardless it’s hard to put this great professional life into perspective.
Tom Edrington
Cool stories on LIV? Trump rallies, journalists removed from the press room, free beer, sparse crowds…..yeah, cool stories Baxter…
baxter cepeda
The beer story is kinda cool. I can see those pictures of Norman handing out beers replayed decades from now to show even the newbie league with billions to invest had to start from the bottom. The pictures would accompany the lyrics: Started from the bottom now we’re here.
I really enjoyed the stories watching Portland especially. The fans were great-a story in itself – and the ending to the team event was a really cool story. Also the interviews and celebrations with multiple players present and engaged.
Liv have only had 3 events but there have already been some cool stories.
There have also been some concerning stories. I am concerned Norman seems to think Trump was being low key at the last event….uh…Shark…he wasn’t. That man does not have a low key fiber in his body.
I get what Norman has to do right now regarding Trumps courses but he needs to realize Trump increasingly alienates people like no other. Still Turns too many people on but increasingly turns the majority off…I mean the man literally had a bunch of bigots attack the capital. Again, very few arguments regarding trumps role.
Tom Edrington
Any “cool” stories have been overshadowed by the negative press from non-sports sites thanks to The Donald.